god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
