Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
