Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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