then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
