You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
