hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
