Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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