My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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