definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
