We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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