I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
