ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
my shit smells like andre
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
