Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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