You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
