Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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