Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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