he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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