I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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