I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize