This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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