I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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