Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(586): View more from Michigan

Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.

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(352): View more from Florida

this beer tastes like vomit already

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Too many margaritas?

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(256): View more from Alabama

There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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(347): View more from New York

I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.

(641): View more from Iowa

I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me

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