I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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