I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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