Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
