Pants 0. Shit 1.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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