I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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