I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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