He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
