plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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