did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Acid is not a monday night drug
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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