eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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