I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
