all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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