Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
