I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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