dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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