I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
