my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
