Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
