I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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