can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
