i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
