This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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