And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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