We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
