Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
