we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
