if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
