I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
