dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
