Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
