I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize