because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
