she takes plan B like it's going out of style
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize