Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
