I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
