I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
