how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
