just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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