I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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