no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
