How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
